On December 24th I closed a chapter of my life that was, at one time, very important to me. I had reasons for doing so. I needed to free up time so that I could take advantage of internships and other activities that would only assist me in my goal of obtaining my Ph.D in Psychology. Yes, when one door closes I truly believed another one opens.
Real life, however, has a way of bringing you back to your own reality, to the true place where you are in your own life. Three weeks after I turned in my notice (to a job I had spent more than five years in), my husband was laid off from work and we still had to pay the bills. So, for me, this meant no internship and no participating in the many volunteer programs I had been researching. We needed a dependable income; one that could pay the bills and allows to live the way we like to live. I don't mean simply surviving, which is what my husband and I had done for the first 10 years of our lives together. So instead of one door closing and another door opening, I am faced with walking back through the same door I had previously closed only to find myself working for a different agency, making less money, and without the seniority I once had.
I am starting over, but I am starting over only in so much as being with a new agency within the field of intellectual disabilities. At every turn I have been knocked down, but still I get back up, dust my knees off, and start again. I have three kids who deserve the absolute best in life and it is my job and my husbands job to see they get the best advantages and opportunities that we can possibly give them. So I bear my disappointment and mask it with a smile. I moved backward into a field that once brought me happiness but for the last two years has only brought disappointment, frozen wages, and disrespect from those who fail to realize that without DSP's like myself they would have no agency to begin with.
Still in my heart I hold on to what hope I have left and truly believe that my purpose is far greater than the hand I have currently been dealt. My role in this life far expands the confines of this small town in which we live and someday; someday, I may finally catch a break and do what God intends for me to do. Helping people has always been the one thing that makes me truly happy. Ironic, I suppose when considering how so many people have let me down in my pursuit to help others. I believe there is a way to help the homeless, the abused, the mentally ill, the developmentally disabled, and the overall population of society who is to often cast away like yesterdays garbage and yet, life continues to find a way to knock me down. That's okay; no one said the road would be easily traveled and God also promised he'd travel with me. So I take solace in knowing that while some may try to hold me back I will keep going, will keep moving forward until I am able to reach the place where I can assist others in standing back up, dusting themselves off, and moving forward in order to better themselves.
The one thing I have going for me is knowing that the journey is never easy, but I am a fighter and anyone can ask those closest to me that when I love I do so fiercely. Life's obstacles cannot stop me. My time may not be now, but it is coming and I know that with every fiber of my being. All I can do now is hang on tight and prepare for the remainder of this bumpy ride, but I know that someday I will get to where I am going because I know that many, many people need the help I want to give them and from here on out I will do what I can from the confines that are my 'real world' and make my way through this journey regardless of what obstacles try to stand in my way.
Here's to hoping for a better year in 2011; my journey still continues. They one the battle but the war will be my victory.
TW
